Putting Your Kegels to Use

You have made it to the fourth step of your fight against vaginismus. Hurray for you! I am happy to tell you that this is THE step you have been working towards for so long. This is the step for which we have been preparing for in the previous steps.

In case you need to go back and revisit the previous preparatory steps, here are quick links:
Step 1: Finding Cause Of Your Vaginismus
Step 2: Know Your Anatomy
Step 3: Controlling PC Muscles

Now that you are ready, let's begin which the most exciting phase of your recovery journey.

The best way to accomplish this step is to involve your partner with you. Discuss this step over with them before you attempt this step. If you are a partner of someone suffering from vaginismus and don't know how to help, see the article Helping a Partner With Vaginismus.

Follow this simple step:
When your partner attempts penetration, pretend that you are practising your kegel in such a way that as he prepares for penetration, tighten your muscles, and as soon as he attempts penetration, loosen your PC muscles.
Do not lose heart if it doesn't work the first time. The most important thing is you keep a positive attitude and stay relaxed. Relaxation is the key to solving this issue. Take deep breaths and try again, either in the same session or another session. 

This seemingly difficult step is in fact very easy. All the previous steps we went through were a psychological preparation for this step.

• By knowing our anatomy, it helped us to know that sex will not hurt. Our bodies are made for it and it is something very natural.
• By doing kegels, we applied the knowledge of our anatomy to something physical; we came to know that we can in fact control our bodies. We are no more slaves to our bodies which disappoint us.
• By discussing all our progress with our partners, we build trust with them and we trust that they won't hurt us by anything they do. Sex is a way of expressing their love for us and it will NOT hurt. It will only hurt when we try to deny ourselves that connection and that love.

Once we are able to do this, there is no going back (hopefully!) Do not let your old fear of pain haunt you. Don't look back! You may need to repeat this activity a number of times before you begin to feel comfortable and natural with it, but trust me, it will happen. You will get comfortable and it will come as naturally to you as it seems for all other couples.

At the end of it, don't forget to thank your partner for the patience he has shown towards you. He has full share in your accomplishment of overcoming this fear.

Helping a Partner with Vaginismus

If you have a partner who is suffering from vaginismus and you want to help, then you have come to the right place.

I understand that when your partner is going through painful sex a.k.a. vaginismus, it takes a huge toll on your relationship. One or both of the partners can start avoiding intimacy for fear of failure which ultimately affects both. At this point, it is very important for you to know that vaginismus is not incurable. Instead, with a little time and patience, your partner can overcome this seemingly impossible condition. So how is it that you can help your partner in her journey to overcome it? Here are a few things you can do to help.

• Reassure your partner that she can overcome this phase in her life. Fully believe in it to be so as well.
• Overlook her fear of intimacy and don't resent it. 
• Discuss with your partner different ways you can make her feel comfortable in an intimate scenario.
• Foreplay is the basic key to resolving this issue. Make sure you both are in the mood and she is fully relaxed.
• Encourage your partner to discuss what pleases her and makes her feel particularly good during intimacy.
• Make it a point to celebrate your partner's each and every milestone in overcoming vaginismus so that she remains motivated.
• Show genuine interest in her efforts.
• Maintain an air of ease and comfort. Working on the emotional aspect of your relationship is very crucial and will greatly affect your partner's progress in resolving vaginismus. Build trust again. Remember why you fell in love with your partner in the first place and keep those good things about her in mind to keep yourself motivated and encouraged too.
• Take her to dinner, buy her flowers or do anything that she likes. The key is to rebuild your relationship from an emotional aspect while she works on the physical aspect of it.

What is Vaginismus

Vaginismus is a physical or psychological condition which prevents a woman from any kind of vaginal penetration. The various pelvic muscles (PC muscles) contribute to this condition by involuntary muscle spasm leading to "shutting down" the opening of the vagina. The result is painful sexual experience or in extreme cases, complete inability to have intercourse.

Male partners of women experiencing vaginismus often explain the penetration experience as "hitting a wall". This is because once the female PC muscles go into spasm, they are hard and relentless, making any sort of penetration almost impossible.

Symptoms of this condition includes:
- pain during vaginal penetration
- complete inability to have intercourse
- discomfort during insertion
- avoiding intimacy due to fear of failure
- unconsummated marriages

Different women can experience different levels of vaginismus. Some women are able to have partial insertion, whereas some are completely unable to do so. Some women may resort to endure the painful experience over and over without discussing it with their partner or seeking help. Whatever the level of your condition, the fisrt step in curing your vaginismus is believing in yourself that you will indeed overcome it.

Many women feel responsible for this condition but it must be remembered that these women are not at fault as they do not know what triggers this condition. Furthermore, even if they did know what triggered this spasm, it will take the proper exercises and time to overcome it.

If you know someone who is suffering from vaginismus or if it is your partner, the best you can do is be motivating. The biggest key to helping your partner or friend overcome this condition is by making them realise you have faith in their abilities and that they will surely overcome it. To read more about what you can do to help your partner, read Helping a Partner with Vaginismus.