Finding Cause Of Your Vaginismus

Vaginismus is a condition in which a women's pelvic (PC) muscles shut tight involuntarily making sex difficult or in some cases impossible. A woman suffering from this condition usually doesn't know what triggers this reflex action by her body when she anticipates a vaginal penetration of any kind.

Vaginismus can be correctly called a "cycle of pain". The male partner often explains it as "hitting a wall" when penetration is attempted. A woman will take her first painful sexual experience as a fearful memory of pain, thereby making her tense in some or all future intimate experiences. In some cases there are some other underlying causes of vaginismus other than a first painful experience. See causes of vaginismus to find more examples.Therefore the first step in curing your vaginismus is finding the root cause that triggers it.

The causes of vaginismus are hard to state because they vary for each woman. It can be a physical or non physical issue or a combination of both that result in this condition.

What is the cause of your vaginismus:

As stated, the first and foremost step in curing vaginismus is finding the root cause. I will explain a small exercise for you to begin.

Step 1:

Pick a time of day when you are relaxed and free from any engagements. Allot some time especially for this exercise so that you can work on it without any interruptions.

Step 2:

Take a few sheets of paper and pencil. Write down the following headings, one on each page:
1. Childhood & Upbringing
2. Sex Education
3. Dating History
4. Personal Ideas about Sex

Now I want you to think long and hard about these different aspects. You can do this alone or do it with a partner to encourage you along. Doing it with a partner is more fun because these insightful areas will help you discover each other's ideas about sex, which is a major part in rebuilding the emotional aspect of a relationship. There is no problem if you wish to do this on your own. Writing something down reinforces an idea in our minds and that is the purpose of this whole exercise.

Here's what you need to think and write about.

1. Childhood & Upbringing:

Write down about the kind of upbringing you had. Was it a comfortable household or a rigid one? Did your family practice conservative religious views and imposed them on you? Did any or both of your parents made sex and intimacy appear like a very bad thing in general? To help you more in this step, write down names of each and everyone in your family and explain how each of them shaped your sexual ideas, directly or indirectly.

2. Sex Education:

What kind of sex education were you given, if any? Did you know prior to your first intimate encounter what to expect? Or were you unaware? (Although today it is unlikely one doesn't know about how intercourse is done) Did sex and intercourse come as a surprise to you? How did you come to know about sex for the first time? Was it explained like a scary idea to you? Explain whatever experiences you have had in this area.

3. Dating History:

Have you ever experienced harassment or abuse from a partner? Do you think any partner or any particular experience shaped up a fearful or bad image about sexual intimacy? This part is tricky. I want you to think carefully about each partner, each dating session and your own emotional response to these things. Then write down how it exactly shaped up your mind about sex.

4. Personal ideas about sex:

In this section, I want you to be brutally honest with yourself. What do you think about sex? It is difficult? Scary? Impossible? What would you accomplish once you overcome this issue? Regain a relationship that's beginning to tumble? How important is sex to you? How would it make you feel as a woman? How will it bring you closer to your partner? Revisit all previous sections and see how they have affected you without you even noticing. Decide that this negative influence is bad for you and your relationships and that it is time to overcome it and enjoy life. Write down anything you feel about sex here. This section is specifically all about you.

Step 3:

On a new page, write the following heading in bold: DECLARATION.
Here you will write your "vows" of overcoming vaginismus and gaining control of your life back. Take this as just another new year resolutions, the only difference being, it may not be new years' time when you do this exercise :) Keep this page with you. Whenever during the course of this treatment, you feel like you are stuck or not making any progress, I want you to open this page and read your vows. Keep it as a motivation for yourself.

The first step of this exercise is complete. This exercise was a kind of self analysis where you recollect all those external influences which shaped up your ideas about sex and intercourse. This step will serve as a reminder to why you need to overcome and cure vaginismus and the declaration step will serve as a motivation note.


Next Step: Know Your Anatomy

Helping a Partner with Vaginismus

If you have a partner who is suffering from vaginismus and you want to help, then you have come to the right place.

I understand that when your partner is going through painful sex a.k.a. vaginismus, it takes a huge toll on your relationship. One or both of the partners can start avoiding intimacy for fear of failure which ultimately affects both. At this point, it is very important for you to know that vaginismus is not incurable. Instead, with a little time and patience, your partner can overcome this seemingly impossible condition. So how is it that you can help your partner in her journey to overcome it? Here are a few things you can do to help.

• Reassure your partner that she can overcome this phase in her life. Fully believe in it to be so as well.
• Overlook her fear of intimacy and don't resent it. 
• Discuss with your partner different ways you can make her feel comfortable in an intimate scenario.
• Foreplay is the basic key to resolving this issue. Make sure you both are in the mood and she is fully relaxed.
• Encourage your partner to discuss what pleases her and makes her feel particularly good during intimacy.
• Make it a point to celebrate your partner's each and every milestone in overcoming vaginismus so that she remains motivated.
• Show genuine interest in her efforts.
• Maintain an air of ease and comfort. Working on the emotional aspect of your relationship is very crucial and will greatly affect your partner's progress in resolving vaginismus. Build trust again. Remember why you fell in love with your partner in the first place and keep those good things about her in mind to keep yourself motivated and encouraged too.
• Take her to dinner, buy her flowers or do anything that she likes. The key is to rebuild your relationship from an emotional aspect while she works on the physical aspect of it.

What Causes Vaginismus

Vaginismus often occurs to unsuspecting women. A woman may not know she has vaginismus until she experiences intimacy with her partner. It comes as a surprise to her that she is unable to have intercourse and so it can be quite perplexing.

Vaginismus is a Cycle

Vaginismus is often a vicious cycle, where the first failed or painful attempt becomes a recurring fearful memory for all successive attempts at intercourse. The woman seems to go deeper and deeper into the condition and falls into despair.

Cause of vaginismus varies for each woman. It is a combination of one or more physical or psychological experiences that trigger a reflex action in body which causes the PC muscles to spasm. This results in varying degrees of vaginismus; some women can manage partial penetration while some are completely unable to do so. Her partner often feels like he is "hitting a wall" when an attempt at intercourse is made.

Some examples of causes of vaginismus can be:

• an unconscious fear associated with the idea of sex; e.g., a friend telling you long time back that sex is supposed to hurt and it unconsciously stays in the mind, etc.
• an abusive relationship with partner, e.g., low trust level, domestic violence, the male partner jumping into sex without foreplay, not caring for the other partner's feelings regarding sex or intimacy, lack of communication, etc.
• a particularly rigid household; e.g., parents who vehemently declared sex as a taboo, strong preaching, aversion to any kind of open discussion with parents, inadequate sex education, etc.
• an abusive past experience; e.g., childhood molestation, sexual harassment, rape, etc.
• a medical reason for vaginismus; e.g., a traumatic childbirth experience, side effect of medication that contribute to vaginal dryness, some previous injury or trauma to pelvis resulting from some accident or surgery, lack of vaginal lubrication resulting from inadequate foreplay, etc.

The first and foremost step in curing vaginismus is to find the root cause of it. Since this is woman-specific, it will be different for each woman. 

Finding Cause Of Your Vaginismus

What is Vaginismus

Vaginismus is a physical or psychological condition which prevents a woman from any kind of vaginal penetration. The various pelvic muscles (PC muscles) contribute to this condition by involuntary muscle spasm leading to "shutting down" the opening of the vagina. The result is painful sexual experience or in extreme cases, complete inability to have intercourse.

Male partners of women experiencing vaginismus often explain the penetration experience as "hitting a wall". This is because once the female PC muscles go into spasm, they are hard and relentless, making any sort of penetration almost impossible.

Symptoms of this condition includes:
- pain during vaginal penetration
- complete inability to have intercourse
- discomfort during insertion
- avoiding intimacy due to fear of failure
- unconsummated marriages

Different women can experience different levels of vaginismus. Some women are able to have partial insertion, whereas some are completely unable to do so. Some women may resort to endure the painful experience over and over without discussing it with their partner or seeking help. Whatever the level of your condition, the fisrt step in curing your vaginismus is believing in yourself that you will indeed overcome it.

Many women feel responsible for this condition but it must be remembered that these women are not at fault as they do not know what triggers this condition. Furthermore, even if they did know what triggered this spasm, it will take the proper exercises and time to overcome it.

If you know someone who is suffering from vaginismus or if it is your partner, the best you can do is be motivating. The biggest key to helping your partner or friend overcome this condition is by making them realise you have faith in their abilities and that they will surely overcome it. To read more about what you can do to help your partner, read Helping a Partner with Vaginismus.