Helping a Partner with Vaginismus

If you have a partner who is suffering from vaginismus and you want to help, then you have come to the right place.

I understand that when your partner is going through painful sex a.k.a. vaginismus, it takes a huge toll on your relationship. One or both of the partners can start avoiding intimacy for fear of failure which ultimately affects both. At this point, it is very important for you to know that vaginismus is not incurable. Instead, with a little time and patience, your partner can overcome this seemingly impossible condition. So how is it that you can help your partner in her journey to overcome it? Here are a few things you can do to help.

• Reassure your partner that she can overcome this phase in her life. Fully believe in it to be so as well.
• Overlook her fear of intimacy and don't resent it. 
• Discuss with your partner different ways you can make her feel comfortable in an intimate scenario.
• Foreplay is the basic key to resolving this issue. Make sure you both are in the mood and she is fully relaxed.
• Encourage your partner to discuss what pleases her and makes her feel particularly good during intimacy.
• Make it a point to celebrate your partner's each and every milestone in overcoming vaginismus so that she remains motivated.
• Show genuine interest in her efforts.
• Maintain an air of ease and comfort. Working on the emotional aspect of your relationship is very crucial and will greatly affect your partner's progress in resolving vaginismus. Build trust again. Remember why you fell in love with your partner in the first place and keep those good things about her in mind to keep yourself motivated and encouraged too.
• Take her to dinner, buy her flowers or do anything that she likes. The key is to rebuild your relationship from an emotional aspect while she works on the physical aspect of it.

What Causes Vaginismus

Vaginismus often occurs to unsuspecting women. A woman may not know she has vaginismus until she experiences intimacy with her partner. It comes as a surprise to her that she is unable to have intercourse and so it can be quite perplexing.

Vaginismus is a Cycle

Vaginismus is often a vicious cycle, where the first failed or painful attempt becomes a recurring fearful memory for all successive attempts at intercourse. The woman seems to go deeper and deeper into the condition and falls into despair.

Cause of vaginismus varies for each woman. It is a combination of one or more physical or psychological experiences that trigger a reflex action in body which causes the PC muscles to spasm. This results in varying degrees of vaginismus; some women can manage partial penetration while some are completely unable to do so. Her partner often feels like he is "hitting a wall" when an attempt at intercourse is made.

Some examples of causes of vaginismus can be:

• an unconscious fear associated with the idea of sex; e.g., a friend telling you long time back that sex is supposed to hurt and it unconsciously stays in the mind, etc.
• an abusive relationship with partner, e.g., low trust level, domestic violence, the male partner jumping into sex without foreplay, not caring for the other partner's feelings regarding sex or intimacy, lack of communication, etc.
• a particularly rigid household; e.g., parents who vehemently declared sex as a taboo, strong preaching, aversion to any kind of open discussion with parents, inadequate sex education, etc.
• an abusive past experience; e.g., childhood molestation, sexual harassment, rape, etc.
• a medical reason for vaginismus; e.g., a traumatic childbirth experience, side effect of medication that contribute to vaginal dryness, some previous injury or trauma to pelvis resulting from some accident or surgery, lack of vaginal lubrication resulting from inadequate foreplay, etc.

The first and foremost step in curing vaginismus is to find the root cause of it. Since this is woman-specific, it will be different for each woman. 

Finding Cause Of Your Vaginismus

What is Vaginismus

Vaginismus is a physical or psychological condition which prevents a woman from any kind of vaginal penetration. The various pelvic muscles (PC muscles) contribute to this condition by involuntary muscle spasm leading to "shutting down" the opening of the vagina. The result is painful sexual experience or in extreme cases, complete inability to have intercourse.

Male partners of women experiencing vaginismus often explain the penetration experience as "hitting a wall". This is because once the female PC muscles go into spasm, they are hard and relentless, making any sort of penetration almost impossible.

Symptoms of this condition includes:
- pain during vaginal penetration
- complete inability to have intercourse
- discomfort during insertion
- avoiding intimacy due to fear of failure
- unconsummated marriages

Different women can experience different levels of vaginismus. Some women are able to have partial insertion, whereas some are completely unable to do so. Some women may resort to endure the painful experience over and over without discussing it with their partner or seeking help. Whatever the level of your condition, the fisrt step in curing your vaginismus is believing in yourself that you will indeed overcome it.

Many women feel responsible for this condition but it must be remembered that these women are not at fault as they do not know what triggers this condition. Furthermore, even if they did know what triggered this spasm, it will take the proper exercises and time to overcome it.

If you know someone who is suffering from vaginismus or if it is your partner, the best you can do is be motivating. The biggest key to helping your partner or friend overcome this condition is by making them realise you have faith in their abilities and that they will surely overcome it. To read more about what you can do to help your partner, read Helping a Partner with Vaginismus.