Putting Your Kegels to Use

You have made it to the fourth step of your fight against vaginismus. Hurray for you! I am happy to tell you that this is THE step you have been working towards for so long. This is the step for which we have been preparing for in the previous steps.

In case you need to go back and revisit the previous preparatory steps, here are quick links:
Step 1: Finding Cause Of Your Vaginismus
Step 2: Know Your Anatomy
Step 3: Controlling PC Muscles

Now that you are ready, let's begin which the most exciting phase of your recovery journey.

The best way to accomplish this step is to involve your partner with you. Discuss this step over with them before you attempt this step. If you are a partner of someone suffering from vaginismus and don't know how to help, see the article Helping a Partner With Vaginismus.

Follow this simple step:
When your partner attempts penetration, pretend that you are practising your kegel in such a way that as he prepares for penetration, tighten your muscles, and as soon as he attempts penetration, loosen your PC muscles.
Do not lose heart if it doesn't work the first time. The most important thing is you keep a positive attitude and stay relaxed. Relaxation is the key to solving this issue. Take deep breaths and try again, either in the same session or another session. 

This seemingly difficult step is in fact very easy. All the previous steps we went through were a psychological preparation for this step.

• By knowing our anatomy, it helped us to know that sex will not hurt. Our bodies are made for it and it is something very natural.
• By doing kegels, we applied the knowledge of our anatomy to something physical; we came to know that we can in fact control our bodies. We are no more slaves to our bodies which disappoint us.
• By discussing all our progress with our partners, we build trust with them and we trust that they won't hurt us by anything they do. Sex is a way of expressing their love for us and it will NOT hurt. It will only hurt when we try to deny ourselves that connection and that love.

Once we are able to do this, there is no going back (hopefully!) Do not let your old fear of pain haunt you. Don't look back! You may need to repeat this activity a number of times before you begin to feel comfortable and natural with it, but trust me, it will happen. You will get comfortable and it will come as naturally to you as it seems for all other couples.

At the end of it, don't forget to thank your partner for the patience he has shown towards you. He has full share in your accomplishment of overcoming this fear.

Controlling PC Muscles

Welcome to the third step in curing your vaginismus. Believe me you have come a long way and are already more than half way through.

The previous steps were:
Step 1: Finding Cause Of Your Vaginismus
Step 2: Know Your Anatomy

Now we are ready to start the physical aspect of our efforts to cure vaginismus. Let's begin.

Controlling PC Muscles

If you remember the definition of vaginismus, it is the involuntary muscle spasm that "shuts off" the opening to the vagina, making any form of penetration impossible at the worst. By doing kegel exercises, we will attempt to reprogram these PC muscles in order to keep them from shutting off the vaginal opening and making penetration smooth.

Activity # 3:

In this step we will practice kegels on a regular basis in order to overcome the involuntary spasms of the PC muscles.

What Are Kegels

Pelvic floor exercise, also known as Kegel exercise, consists of repeatedly contracting and relaxing the muscles that form part of the pelvic floor, now sometimes colloquially referred to as the "Kegel muscles". [wikipedia]

How to Perform Kegel

1. We will start by locating PC muscles. Come into a sitting or squat position and tighten your pelvic muscles as you would do while holding your pee. Hold for a few seconds then release. Do this repeatedly until you get the hang of it. After several attempts you will be able to recognize the muscles that you control to hold and release your pee. These are the PC muscles we were trying to locate.

2. There are two basic variations for these kegel exercises that you need to practice. Do at least 2 rounds of both these variations for 10 repetitions each.

• Tighten your PC muscles for 3 seconds then release. After 3 seconds, tighten them again for 3 seconds. Repeat this at least 10 times. 
• Tighten and release your PC muscles as fast as you can for upto 10 times in a go. Repeat.

Practice kegels daily. They will not only tone and strengthen your PC muscles, but they will give you a better control over your PC muscles. In the beginning, you might tire out quickly, but as with any exercise, it will take time for you to perform them easily. Start with at leatst 2 sets of each variation daily. Build up to as many as you can do so easily.

The best thing about kegels is you can do it while standing up, sitting down or even lying down without anyone knowing. So it is fairly easy to get into a proper kegel routine.

For more information: How to perform kegel exercises.


There are many benefits of doing kegel, some of which are shown in the diagram below. However, our scope is limited only to using this technique for curing our vaginismus.

Benefits of Kegel Exercises
source

Activity Outcome:

By the end of this activity, your PC muscles will have strengthened and you will have gained a better control over your pelvic muscles.

Next Step: Putting Your Kegels To Use

Know Your Anatomy

In the last step, we followed a step by step process to try and find out the root cause of your vaginismus.

In this step, we will widen our knowledge about the female anatomy. Since vaginismus is a fear, the first thing to cure this fear is to gain knowledge about it. We often fear that which we do not know; so it seems only natural to know how intercourse will work.

The scope of this website is limited to how to perceiving this female anatomy and not to explain it. See the following links for some insight into it. You can Google for more information.

External Female Reproductive Anatomy
(Internal) Female Reproductive Anatomy

Know Your Anatomy

Please refer to the links given above to gain understanding of the external and internal female anatomy. Once you have studied the basic structure of the female reproductive anatomy, you are ready for activity # 2.

Activity # 2:

External female reproductive anatomy
source

Memorize the basic parts of your anatomy. You are required to know where all the fundamental parts (e.g. uthera, clitoris, labia, anus, vagina, uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries, etc) are located.

Memorize that: the clitoris, which is the primary female pleasure point is located high up, as shown in the diagram on the right side.

Memorize that: the opening to the vagina is located between the uthera and anus.

Memorize that: the vagina loses and expands during sexual arousal thereby making penetration easy. The only thing a woman can do to aid this process is to relax and trust her body. The vagina is a strong muscle and it is made to bear even the trauma of child birth, let alone intercourse. A vagina extends up to quite many times of its original size to accommodate a human baby during birth. Stimulation of the clitoris results in the vagina relaxing and lengthening due to arousal.

Internal female reproductive system
source

Memorize that: uterus is connected to vagina via the cervix. A cervix is the opening of the uterus and allows or blocks male sperms from entering the uterus, depending on the time of a woman's cycle.

Memorize that: intercourse is NOT meant to hurt. Rather it is one of the most natural things to happen between mammal males and females. If sex hurts despite being relaxed and successful penetration, then that is usually something to be checked by your gynaecologist.

Activity Outcome:

At the end of this activity, you should be able to roughly draw the female anatomy and label it also.

Next Step: Controlling PC Muscles

Finding Cause Of Your Vaginismus

Vaginismus is a condition in which a women's pelvic (PC) muscles shut tight involuntarily making sex difficult or in some cases impossible. A woman suffering from this condition usually doesn't know what triggers this reflex action by her body when she anticipates a vaginal penetration of any kind.

Vaginismus can be correctly called a "cycle of pain". The male partner often explains it as "hitting a wall" when penetration is attempted. A woman will take her first painful sexual experience as a fearful memory of pain, thereby making her tense in some or all future intimate experiences. In some cases there are some other underlying causes of vaginismus other than a first painful experience. See causes of vaginismus to find more examples.Therefore the first step in curing your vaginismus is finding the root cause that triggers it.

The causes of vaginismus are hard to state because they vary for each woman. It can be a physical or non physical issue or a combination of both that result in this condition.

What is the cause of your vaginismus:

As stated, the first and foremost step in curing vaginismus is finding the root cause. I will explain a small exercise for you to begin.

Step 1:

Pick a time of day when you are relaxed and free from any engagements. Allot some time especially for this exercise so that you can work on it without any interruptions.

Step 2:

Take a few sheets of paper and pencil. Write down the following headings, one on each page:
1. Childhood & Upbringing
2. Sex Education
3. Dating History
4. Personal Ideas about Sex

Now I want you to think long and hard about these different aspects. You can do this alone or do it with a partner to encourage you along. Doing it with a partner is more fun because these insightful areas will help you discover each other's ideas about sex, which is a major part in rebuilding the emotional aspect of a relationship. There is no problem if you wish to do this on your own. Writing something down reinforces an idea in our minds and that is the purpose of this whole exercise.

Here's what you need to think and write about.

1. Childhood & Upbringing:

Write down about the kind of upbringing you had. Was it a comfortable household or a rigid one? Did your family practice conservative religious views and imposed them on you? Did any or both of your parents made sex and intimacy appear like a very bad thing in general? To help you more in this step, write down names of each and everyone in your family and explain how each of them shaped your sexual ideas, directly or indirectly.

2. Sex Education:

What kind of sex education were you given, if any? Did you know prior to your first intimate encounter what to expect? Or were you unaware? (Although today it is unlikely one doesn't know about how intercourse is done) Did sex and intercourse come as a surprise to you? How did you come to know about sex for the first time? Was it explained like a scary idea to you? Explain whatever experiences you have had in this area.

3. Dating History:

Have you ever experienced harassment or abuse from a partner? Do you think any partner or any particular experience shaped up a fearful or bad image about sexual intimacy? This part is tricky. I want you to think carefully about each partner, each dating session and your own emotional response to these things. Then write down how it exactly shaped up your mind about sex.

4. Personal ideas about sex:

In this section, I want you to be brutally honest with yourself. What do you think about sex? It is difficult? Scary? Impossible? What would you accomplish once you overcome this issue? Regain a relationship that's beginning to tumble? How important is sex to you? How would it make you feel as a woman? How will it bring you closer to your partner? Revisit all previous sections and see how they have affected you without you even noticing. Decide that this negative influence is bad for you and your relationships and that it is time to overcome it and enjoy life. Write down anything you feel about sex here. This section is specifically all about you.

Step 3:

On a new page, write the following heading in bold: DECLARATION.
Here you will write your "vows" of overcoming vaginismus and gaining control of your life back. Take this as just another new year resolutions, the only difference being, it may not be new years' time when you do this exercise :) Keep this page with you. Whenever during the course of this treatment, you feel like you are stuck or not making any progress, I want you to open this page and read your vows. Keep it as a motivation for yourself.

The first step of this exercise is complete. This exercise was a kind of self analysis where you recollect all those external influences which shaped up your ideas about sex and intercourse. This step will serve as a reminder to why you need to overcome and cure vaginismus and the declaration step will serve as a motivation note.


Next Step: Know Your Anatomy